Riddles, Puzzles, Paradoxes, Humor
Curious Questions, Brain-Teasers
Koans, Quizzers, Jokes, Nonsense
Knock Knock Jokes, Corny Jokes
Spoonerisms, Clever Statements
Risque Jokes, Double-Entendres
Cliches, Bad Jokes, Quips, Puns
Fallacies, Witticisms, Definitions
Discordian Sayings, One-Liners
727 Quotations
Compiled by Michael P. Garofalo
727 Riddles, Jokes, Witticisms, Brain Teasers
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Why did the baker become a thief?
Because he needed the dough.
Where does a polar bear keep his money?
In a snowbank
Where do mathematicians go on vacation?
To Times Square
What music do bunnies like?
Hip-Hop
What is black and white and read all over?
A newspaper
What did one wall say to the other?
Meet you at the corner.
What has to be broken before you can use it?
An egg
How do trees access the Internet?
They log in.
What month of the year has 28 days?
All of them
Why was the stadium so cool?
Because it had thousands of moving fans.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long.
It would be a foot.
What do you call two young married spiders?
Newly webs
Did you hear about the evil hen?
It lays deviled egges.
What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them.
How did the barber win the race?
He knew a shortcut.
Why do you not want to use a broken pencil?
It would be pointless.
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo.
One's really heavy and the others a little lighter.
What has one head, one foot, and four legs?
A bed
What has legs but does not walk?
A table
Can February march?
No, but April may.
How does a penguin build its house?
Igloos it together
Which knight invented King Arthur's Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
He felt crumby.
The more you take, the more you leave behind?
Footsteps
What has hands but can't clap?
A clock
Does a dog have Buddha Nature?
You will have to ask the dog.
I am the beginning of everything, the end of everywhere. I am the beginning of eternity, and the end of time and space. What am I?
The letter "e"
What is the most musical part of a turkey?
The drumstick
Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.
727 Riddles, Corny Jokes, Puns, Brain Teasers
I am tall when I am young, and I am short when I am old. What am I?
A candle
Where does Christmas come before Thanksgiving.
In the dictionary
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims
What is full of holes but still holds water?
A sponge
What kind of band never plays music?
A rubber band
What can you catch, but not throw?
A cold
What has many teeth, but can't bite"
A comb
What is cut on a table, but is never eaten.
A deck of cards
Why do baseball players not get hot?
Because of their many fans.
What can travel all around the world without leaving its corner?
A stamp
What runs all around a backyard, but never moves?
A fence
What has words, but never speaks?
A book
What is an Eskimo's favorite kind of lettuce?
Iceberg
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they are so good at it.
The more of this there is, the less you see. What is It?
Darkness
727 Riddles, Corny Jokes, Puns, Brain Teasers
I have branches, but not fruit, trunk or leaves. What am I?
A bank
How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?
He gave her a ring.
What can't talk but will reply when spoken to?
An echo
What does a baby computer say to his father?
Data
Why did the belt go to jail?
Because it held up a pair of pants.
What can you put in a water bucket to make it weight less?
A hole
What is the longest word in the dictionary?
Smiles, because there is a mile between each 's'.
Why can't a bicycle stand up by itself?
Because it is too tired.
If two snakes marry, what will their bathroom towels say?
Hiss and hers
How can you drop a raw egg from a height onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
Concrete floors are very hard to crack.
Knock! Knock! Who's there? Voodoo. Voodoo who?
Voodoo you think you are, asking all these questions.
What's always found on the ground but never gets dirty?
A shadow
What gets wet while drying?
A towel
What has a head and a tail but no body?
A coin
I am easy to lift, but hard to throw. What am I?
A feather.
A cowboy rode into town on Friday. He stayed for three nights and rode out on Friday. How is this possible?
His horse's name is Friday.
What five letter word typed in all capital letters can be read the same upside down?
SWIMS
The more you take, the more you leave behind. What am I?
Footsteps
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.
What is more useful when it is broken?
An egg.
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
Because he was a little horse.
727 Riddles, Jokes, Witticisms, Brain Teasers
What goes up, but never comes down?
Your age
Life is a relay race. Pass the baton on.
What did Santa Claus say when he walked through a garden?
Hoe! Hoe! Hoe!
Why is Europe like a frying pan?
Because it has Greece at the bottom.
Which fish costs the most?
A goldfish
What's the gardeners favorite novel?
War and Peas
Why do melons have fancy weddings?
Because they cantaloupe.
What has a neck but no head?
A bottle
How do mountains see?
They peak
Why did Bodhidharma not come from the West?
Because, he came from the East; from India to China.
Where do you take a sick boat?
To the Dock
What did the policeman say to his belly button?
You're under a vest.
What did the grape say when it got trodden on?
Nothing. It just gave a little whine.
Why do people say "break a leg" when you go on stage?
Beacuse every play has a cast.
What is the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu?
One requires tweetment and the other and oinkment.
What is the sound of one hand clapping?
The opposite of two hands clapping.
Silence
What two things can you never eat for breakfast?
Lunch and dinner
What kind of room has no doors or windows?
A mushroom
What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
Their middle names
What kind of ghost has the best hearing?
The eeriest
How did the dead brother and his younger dead brother resemble each other?
They were dead ringers.
Abasement: Where the furnace is located.
When you get to the cross-street at the end
of the road, take it.
What is the end of 'everything.'
The letter 'g.'
Gardening Jokes, Humor, Riddles, Puns, Quips
Pulling Onions: Over 1,000 Maxims, Quips, One-Liners
727 Riddles, Brain Teasers, Puns, Corny Jokes
Two fathers and two sons are in a care, yet there are only three people in the car. How?
They are grandfather, father, and son.
If two's company, and three's a crowd, what are four and five?
Nine
Knock! Knock! Who's there? Says. Says who?
Says me, that's who.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Oxymoron: Someone who is as dumb as an ox.
What English word has three consecutive double letters?
Bookkeeper
What question can you never answer yes to?
Are you asleep yet?
What do you get if you cross a vampire and a snownam?
Frostbite
A spoonerism is a speech error in which the speaker switches the initial consonants of two consecutive words. If you say "bunny phone" instead of "funny bone," you've uttered a spoonerism.
Instead of a "crushing blow" he mistyped "blushing crow."
The city planner intendented to say "the block of flats," but said "the flock of bats."
The little girl said "by mad" instead of "my bad."
The coach said "shake a tower" to his team, instead of "take a shower."
What kind of cars do elves make?
Toy-otas
It ain't over till it's over.
It's over when it's over.
It's over when the fat lady sings.
It's over when you name is on a tombstone.
Why are there gates around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in.
What do elves learn at school?
The Elf-abet
What did the coffee report to the police?
A mugging
Infantry: A small immature tree.
What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer?
The space bar
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
Don’t trust atoms.
They make up everything.
What has a head but no brain?
Lettuce
"There is a reason why riddles are the bedrock of ancient folk tales and superhero sagas. Riddles are a great way to knock the mind out of its cognitive ruts and stimulate creative thinking in kids, adults, and mythic heroes alike. The best riddles for kids, like the best jokes and trivia questions, are challenging, fun word puzzles that push children to think outside the box while encouraging them to have fun with language. Of course, there’s a fine line to strike between riddles that are too easy and extra tricky riddles that will make your kid get red in the face with frustration. The right riddles for kids can and should offer a playful way to wrestle with truly challenging questions."
Riddles for Kids That Are Not Too Confusing
What did the vinaigrette say to the refrigerator?
Close the door. I am dressing.
I come for a mine and get surrounded by wood. Everyone uses me. What am I?
A lead pencil
Flabbergasted: Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
Most people think of me as money. But when they find me in the water, they won't get any money out of me. What am I?
A river bank
What can you break, even if you never pick it up or touch it?
A promise
I found a great website for sausages. I'll send you a link.
Knock Knock. Who's there?
Tank. Tank who?
You are welcome.
First think of the color of the clouds. Next, think of the color of snow. Now, what do cows drink?
Water
Why did the apple pie cry?
Because it's peelings were hurt.
What can run but never walks, has a mouth but never talks, has a head but never weeps, had a bet but never sleeps?
A river
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
What do grouchy sheep say during the Christmas Holidays?
Baaaaaa Humbug!
What do you call it when one cow spies on another?
A steak out
What goes through cities and fields, but never moves?
A road
People make me, save me, change me, raise me. What am I?
Money
Take one out and scratch my hear, I am now black but once was red. What am I?
A match
Abdicate: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Why is a barn so noisy?
All the cows have horns.
Where do spiders seek health advice?
WebMD
I’d like to go to Holland someday.
Wooden shoe?
What vegetable have botanists developed that eliminates the need to brush your teeth?
Bristle sprouts
Which is heavier: a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
They both weigh the same.
Where can you buy soup in bulk?
At the stock market
If athletes get athlete's foot, what do elves get?
Mistletoe
How do you make and egg-roll?
You push it
He tried to organize a professional Hide-and-Seek Tournament, but it was a complete failure.
Good players are hard to find.
My favoirt workd is "droll." It just rolls off the tongue.
What would bears be without bees?
Ears
Outpatient: A person who has fainted.
What is brown and sticky?
A stick
What did the yoga teacher say when her landlord tried to evict her?
Namaste
What word in the dictionary is spelled incorrectly?
Incorrectly
Firs they bite me; then they get eaten. What am I?
A fishhook
What is small, red and whispers?
A hoarse radish
What sort of animal is a slug?
A snail with a housing problem.
What's green and walks through walls?
Casper the friendly cucumber.
If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?
He wrote a good book on reverse psychology.
Do not read it.
Why was the cheetah so bad at hide and seek?
Because no matter where he hid, he was always spotted.
What do you do with wasted radioactive elements?
Barium
What bone has a sense of humor?
The funny bone or Humorous
Paradox: Two physicians.
What do you throw out when you want to use it, but take in when you don't want to use it?
An anchor
A man goes out in heavy rain with nothing to protect him from it. His hair doesn't get wet. How does he do that?
He is bald.
What is so fragile that saying its name breaks it?
Silence
How does a penguin build its house?
Igloos it together
What word is pronounced the same if you take away four of its letters?
Queue
What did the blanket say when he fell off the bed?
"Oh sheet!"
Internet Websites:
727 Riddles, Puzzles, Brain Teasers, Corny Jokes
Riddles for Kids and Adults to See Just How Smart You Really Are
Best Riddles for Adults That Will Have You Scratching Your Head
Tricky Riddles for Adults That Will Really Test Your Knowledge
Best Riddles for Kids of All Grades
Fun Riddles for Kids to Get Those Mental Wheels Turning
Fun What Am I Riddles with Answers (Everyone Will Love)
Riddles for Kids That Are Not Too Confusing
What do you call a pig that does karate?
A pork chop
What breaks yet never falls, and what falls yet never breaks?
Day and night
Rubberneck: What you do to relax your wife.
Why was the broom late for work?
It over-swept
What does a clock do when it's hungry?
It goes back four seconds.
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
Why did the deer go to the dentist?
Because it had buck teeth.
Have you heard about the band called "444 Megabites?"
Probably not, they haven't had a gig yet.
What did the banana do when it saw the monkeys?
Split
What did the leg bone say to the foot?
Stay with me and you will go places.
What kind of witch likes to go to the beach?
A sandwich
I once bought a broken guitar.
No strings attached
What do pigs use in the shower?
Hogwash
What room in a house do the ghosts avoid?
The living room
Prejudice: A vagrant opinion without visible means of support.
What did one plate say to the other plate?
Dinner is on me.
What do you call a belt made of watches?
A waist of time!
Where did the computer go dancing?
The disco-o
Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
What do you call a cold canine?
A chilly-dog
Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window?
Because he wanted to see time fly.
Humorous Definitions: Witty, humorous, facetious, jocular; provoking or intended to provoke laughter; cleverness or quickness of mind.
What did one snowman say to another snowman?
Your cool
Why was the baby strawberry crying?
Because his mom and dad were in a jam.
Knock, Knock. Who's there?
Theodore. Theodore who?
Theodore
wasn't open so I knocked.
Inkwell: an accomplished tatooist.
What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has thousands of letters?
The post office
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey but then I turned myself around.
What did the rib cage say to the heart?
I got you covered.
What kind of lion never roars?
A dandelion
What is colder than a witches tit?
A warlocks blue balls.
Chicken: The only animal we eat before it is born and after it is dead.
What's the best way to carve wood?
Whittle by whittle
Remember that gophers also need to make a living; preferably in somebody else's garden.
What has lots of eyes, but can’t see?
A potato
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
What has one eye, but can’t see?
A needle
What walks all day on its head?
A nail in a horseshoe.
Knock Knock. Who’s there?
Venice. Venice who?
Venice your brother coming home?
Knock Knock. Who’s there?
Water. Water who?
Water you asking so many questions for?
What has many needles, but doesn’t sew?
A Christmas tree
What's the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
"Oops!"
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.
What is a Honeymoon Salad?
Lettuce alone, with no dressing.
I am lighter than a feather, yet the strongest person cannot hold me for five minutes. What am I?
Your breath
What's red and invisible?
No tomatoes
What's the difference between a piano and a fish?
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
What is round as a dishpan and no matter the size, all the water in the ocean can't fill it up?
A sieve
What word has five letters but sounds like it only has one?
Queue
I am neither a guest nor a trespasser. To this place I belong; and, it belongs also to me. What am I.
Home
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
It's hard to teach kleptomaniacs humor. They take things so literally.
What is the sound of one hand clapping?
Silence
Where do turkeys go to dance?
The Butter Ball
How did the chimp fix the leaky faucet?
With a monkey wrench
What did the football coach say to the broken vending maching?
Give me my quarterback.
How did the two cats end their fright?
They hissed and made up.
Why should you never eat a clock?
Because it's too time-consuming.
Independent: How we want our children to behave as long as they do everything we say.
Why are elephants wrinkly?
Because you can't iron them.
What did the cake cay to the fork?
You want a piece of me?
I am found in the sea and on land, but I cannot walk or swim. I travel by foot by I don't have toes. No matter where I go, I am never far from home.
What am I?
A snail
Don't worry if you miss a gym session. Everything will work out.
What has 14 hearts, but no other organs?
A deck of cards
What is easy to get into but hard to get out of?
Trouble
What happens when a frog's car breaks down?
It's toad
Ham makes us drink; drinking quenches thirst;
therefore, ham quenches thirst.
If you drop me, I'm sure to crack. Give me a smile, and I will always smile back. What am I?
A mirror
Why did Snap, Crackle and Pop get scared?
They heard a cereal killer was on the loose.
Dust: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
Experience: The name people give to their mistakes.
Why are groups of fish so smart?
Because they travel in schools.
What has hands and a face, but can't hold anything or smile?
A clock
What does not taste good at the beach?
The sand in sandwiches
What passes before the sun but casts no shadow?
Air
What belongs to you, but your friends use it more. What is it?
Your name
How many bugs do you need to rent out an apartment?
Ten ants
I have many eyes but cannot see. I have no mouth or nose, but always smell. Do not eat my tree or you will be, a very rare fatality! What am I?
A potato
Why did the school kids eat their homework?
Because the teacher said "It was a piece of cake."
I haven't spoken to my husband in years. I didn't want to interrupt him.
What can you catch but cannot throw?
A cold
727 Riddles, Corny Jokes, Puns, Brain Teasers
Give me a drink, and I will die. Feed me, and I'll get bigger. What am I?
A fire
I am what a skeleton used to call his friends. What am I?
A tele-bone
Whay kind of apples to computers prefer?
Macintosh
Why does Waldo only wear stripes?
Because he doesn't want to be spotted.
Why don't ants get sick?
They have antibodies.
What kind of poultry is always going to the bathroom?
Chick peas
Aftermath: Relaxation after your calculus class.
In eternity there is no time, only an instant long enough for a joke.
Why did the citrus tree go to the hospital?
For Lemon-Aid
I am the position a ghost plays on a soccer team. What am I?
A ghoul-keeper
What word begins with an E and ends with an E, but only has one letter?
An envelope
A callused palm and dirty fingernails precede a Green Thumb.
What fruit can you never cheer up?
A blueberry
What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind?
A maybe
What what can you make from baked beans and onions?
Tear gas
Before the invention of the wheel, everything was a drag.
Why did the bananna go to the doctor?
Because she was not peeling well.
How many animals did Moses take on the ark?
Moses didn’t take anything on the ark. Noah did.
Where do apples love to take a vacation?
Fuji
What has many rings but no fingers?
A telephone
If organized religion is the opium of the masses, then disorganized religion is the methamphetamine of the lunatic fringe.
Imagine you are in a room with no windows or doors. How will you get out?
Stop imagining.
I tried buying camouflage the other day but I couldn't find any.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin pi
Valentine's Day: A day when you dream of a candle light dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
I am the father of fruits. What am I?
A papa-ya
What vegetable always loses in every comptetiton yet is a terrific drummer?
Beets
Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in less than five moves. Finally, my high school karate lessons cam to some use.
How do you lead a horse to water?
With lots of carrots.
If you drop a yellow hat in the Red Sea, what does it become?
Wet
A cheese factory exploded in France.
De brie was everywhere.
I'm always on the dinner table, but you don't get to eat me. What am I?
Plates and silverware
Everybody I know who is right always agrees with me.
If you’ve got me, you want to share me; if you share me, you haven’t kept me. What am I?
A secret
Having fun may be habit forming.
How can you spot a baby snake?
It's got a rattle.
What dance do bankers like?
Abundance
What did one eye say to the other?
Between us, something smells.
Why did the shopping cart go to therapy.
It was tired of being pushed around.
I went on a once-in-a-lifetime vacation. Never again.
A barrel of water weighed 60 pounds. Someone put something in it and now it weighs 40 pounds. What did the person add?
A hole
How do you catch a bra?
With a booby trap
You are my brother, but I am not your brother. Who am I?
I am your sister.
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
What’s at the bottom of the ocean and shivers?
A nervous wreck
What can’t be put in a saucepan?
It’s lid
What are the most unsociable things in the world?
Milestoes. Because you never see two of them together.
Why do cowboys always die with their boots on?
So they won't stub their toes when they kick the bucket.
What do you call a stolen yam?
A hot potato
What goes up and down but doesn’t move?
A staircase
What did the Buddhist say to the pastry chef?
Make me one with everything.
If you are running in a race and you pass the person in second place, what place are you in?
Second place
I have cities, but no houses. I have forests, but no trees. I have water, but no fish. What am I?
A map
What kind of flowers do you give to King Tut?
Chrysanthemummies.
Why did the gardener quit?
Because his celery wasn't high enough.
When the hoe handle is loose, you will have misplaced the steel wedges.
What has a thousand needles but cannot sew?
A porcupine
A rooster is sitting on the roof of a barn facing west. If it laid an eff, would the egg roll to the north or to the south?
Roosters don't lay eggs.
What is bright orange with green on top and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot
What is black, white, and blue?
A sad zebra
I am alive without air. I am always drinking but never thristy. What am I?
A fish
What state is round at both ends, and high in the middle?
Ohio
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear
I have no eyes, legs or ears, but I can move the earth if you give me time. What am I?
A worm
I dreamt I was to be executed for a crime I did not commit. How do I escape?
Stop dreaming
I have armor but do not fight. I am always home when on the move. What am I?
A turtle
What did one tomato say to his friend tomato during a race?
Hurry, Come On, Ketchup!
If you were stranded on a tropical island what book would you bring?
A book on how to build a boat.
What kind of ball does not bounce?
A snowball
What are the four seasons?
Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose
Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in, its cold out here.
Why is the music teacher a good teacher.
Because she is a sound instructor.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Becaue they use their honeycombs.
Internet Websites:
Fun Riddles for Kids Parenting
Entertaining Riddles for Kids of All Ages
727 Riddles, Brain Teasers, Corny Jokes, Witticisms
Easy Riddles That Kids Will Love
What is made of water, but if you put it into water it vanishes?
An ice cube
How do birds learn how to fly?
They wing it
Narrow minds and wide mouths are often found together.
What has three feet but cannot walk?
A yardstick
The more of them you take, the more you leave behind. What are they?
Footsteps
I stayed up all night trying to figure out where the sun went. Then, it dawned on me.
I am always hungry and will die if not fed, but whatever I touch will soon turn red. What am I?
A fire
Why did the horse go behind the tree?
To change his jockeys.
What has neighter flesh nor bone, but has fingers and a thumb?
A glove
Pets: The only members of your family that you actually like.
What vegetable can tie your stomach in knots?
String beans
What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet.
I fasten it and it walks. I unfasten it and it stops. What is it?
A sandal
I don't like artists. They tend to be sketchy.
You know when you've reached middle age when your cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask where they are going and hook up with them later.
If you need five tools to solve a problem in the garden, four of them will be easy to find.
What can grow but cannot live?
Fire
Two men are in the desert. They both have backpacks on. One of the guys is dead. The guy who is alive has his backpack open; and, the guy who is dead has his backpack closed. What is in the dead man's backpack?
A parachute
How many cranberries grow on a bush?
All of them
What has a tongue but cannot talk?
A shoe
Why is a room full of married folks like an empty room?
Because there is not a single person in it.
If you're an American when you go into the bathroom, and an American when you come out; what are you when in the bathroom?
European
He who has it doesn't tell about it. He who takes it doesn't know about it. He who knows what it is doesn't want it. What is it?
Counterfeit money
Who can shave 25 times a day but still have a beard?
A barber
Who is never hungry on Thanksgiving?
The turkey, because it’s always stuffed
Why can’t you take a turkey to church?
Because they use fowl language.
What ship has no captain but 2 mates?
Friendship
After an electric train crashed, every single person died. Who survived?
All the couples
A doctor and a boy were fishing. The boy was the doctor's son, but the doctor was not the boy's father. Who was the doctor?
His mother
What seed has three letters?
A pea
What has a bark but cannot bite?
A tree
Which part of a road do ghosts most love to travel?
The dead end
What do geometry teachers have decorating their floor?
Area rugs
What divides by uniting, and unites by dividing?
Scizzors
I weaken all men for hours each day. I show you strange visions while you are away. I take you by night, by day take you back. None suffer to have me, but do from my lack. What am I?
Sleep
"I am all on my own,
Wounded by iron weapons and scarred by swords.
I often see battle.
I am tired of fighting.
I do not expect to be allowed to retire from warfare
Before I am completely done for.
At the wall of the city, I am knocked about
And bitten again and again.
Hard edged things made by the blacksmith's hammer attack me.
Each time I wait for something worse.
I have never been able to find a doctor who could make me better
Or give me medicine made from herbs.
Instead the sword gashes all over me grow bigger day and night"
What am I?
A Shield
From the Beowulf Legend.
Why is a bullet like a tender glance?
Because it pierces hearts.
Medieval: Not completely wicked.
If two children and a dog weren't under an umbrella, how come none of them got wet?
It was not raining.
What is most often found on the ground but never gets dirty?
A shadow
Almost everyone needs it, asks for it, gives it, but almost nobody takes it. What is it?
Advice
Dad, did you get a haircut?
No, I got them all cut!
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Because he is in Neverlands
Why don't astronomers like Orion's Belt?
It's a big waist of space
Wht do you call a hippie's wife?
Mississippi
What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet?
Gum
What is the least spoken language?
Sign language
A man was driving a black truck. His lights were not one. The moon was not out. A lady was crossing the street. How did the man see her?
It was a bright sunny day.
What is
something you can put in your pocket that keeps it empty?
A large hole
There is not much to say about the "Unknown."
How do snails fight?
They slug it out.
What National Monument is always in a hurry?
Mt. Rushmore
Gardeners are divided into those that think others are doing it wrong.
How do you get a country girl's attention?
A tractor
Why can't you hear rabbits making love?
Because they have cotton balls.
What do you call a hat for your leg?
A kneecap
It gets dark outside; I get tired;
therefore darknesss causes tiredness.
How do trains listen?
With their engineers
How do you get a squirrel to like you?
Act like a nut.
Walk on the living, they don't even mumble. Walk on the dead and they mutter and grumble. What are they?
Leaves
Doing nothing is very hard to do. You never know when you are finished.
Thesaurus: A dinosaur that studies words.
My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude. I personally am on the fence.
No man goes before his time, unless his boss leaves early.
What do you call an automobile filled with water?
A car pool
Why was the studen'ts report card so wet?
Because it was below C level.
Gardening Jokes, Humor, Riddles, Puns, Quips
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Corny Jokes for Kids and Adults
A friend's son was in the first grade of school, and his teacher asked the class, "What is the color of apples?" Most of the children answered red. A few said green. Kevin, my friend's son, raised his hand and said white. The teacher tried to explain that apples could be red, green or sometimes golden, but never white. Kevin was quite insistent and finally said, "Look inside." Perception without mindfulness keeps us on the surface of things, and we often miss other levels of reality."
Joseph Goldstein, Insight Meditation
The Master once proposed a riddle: "What do the artist and the musician have in common with the mystic?" Everyone gave up.
"The realization that the finest speech does not come from the tongue," said the Master.
Is "tired old cliche" one?
I ate a kids’ meal at McDonald’s today.
His mother seemed really angry.
Plucked from a fruit, bitter like a root, burning and bold, or even cold when sold. What am I?
Coffee beans
What is a chickens favourite vegetable?
An eggplant
What did the Dalmatian say after dinner?
That hit the spot.
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
When the Divine knocks, don't send a prophet to the door.
What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Open toad
What can jump higher than a building?
Anything that can jump. Buildings don't jump.
What gets smaller every time it takes a bath?
Soap
What id one butt cheek say to the other?
Together, we can't stop this crap.
One of the cows did not produce milk today. It was an udder failure.
You gotta hand it to short people.
Because they can’t reach it.
A rooster crows; the sun rises;
therefore a rooster crowing causes the sun to rise.
I prayed to God to heal my broken arm; my broken arm healed; therefore, God healed my broken arm.
What sounds like a sneeze and is made out of leather?
A shoe
What rock group has four men that don't sing?
Mount Rushmore
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Humor: Internet Encyclopedia of Philosophy
Philosophy of Humor: Stanford Encyclopedia
Funny Quotes for Laughing Out Loud
727 Riddles, Corny Jokes, Puns, Witticisms
Stupid Jokes That Are Really Bad
Where did the vegetables go to have a few drinks?
The Salad Bar
Who’s there? Wooden shoe.
Wooden shoe who?
Wooden shoe like to hear another joke?
I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums.
I need Help!
Where do elephants store their clothers?
In a trunk
Did you hear about the emotional wedding?
The cake was in tiers.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk
What do you call a mushroom who buys everyone drinks and is the life of the party?
A fun-gi
Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
Because he wanted cold hard cash.
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogey in it.
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer
Why don't you ever iron a four-leaf clover?
You might press your luck.
I am a dog that does not bark. What am I?
A hush puppy
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist?
It lost its filling.
How do you tell the difference between a bull and a milk cow?
It is either one or the utter.
Describe your perfect date.
I’d have to say April 25. Because it’s not too hot and not too cold. All you need is a light jacket.
What did the turkey say to the computer?
Google, Google
What did the nose say to the finger?
Quick picking on me.
Did you hear about the tree who watched a scary movie?
It was petrified
I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I got over it.
Not all math puns are bad, just sum.
I am an animal that wears a coat in the winter and pants in the summer. What am I?
A dog
What jumps when it walks and sits when it stands?
A kangaroo
Which U.S. state is famous for its extra-small soft drinks?
Minnesota
What vegetable might you find in your basement?
Cellar-y
What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum?
He has a meltdown.
What is green and goes to a summer camp?
A Brussels' scout
Why was the math teacher late to work?
She took the rhombus.
What’s the largest gem on earth?
A baseball diamond
What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk
What breaks but never falls? What falls but never breaks?
Day and night
Where do polar bears go to vote?
At the North Pole
Where can you finish a book without finishing a sentence?
In prison
If two vegans get in a fight, is it still considered a beef?
When the sun hat fits, it's ugly.
Secret: Something you tell to one person at a time.
There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
I used to think I was indecisive.
But now, I'm not so sure.
If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you?
An I-witness
What bird do you associate with lifting weight?
A crane
What is it that given one, you’ll have either two or none?
A choice
I can be long or can be short. I can be black, white, brown, or purple. You can find me the world over and I am often the main feature. What am I?
Rice
Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy.
Why don't cats tell a lot of stories?
They only have one tail.
Is this pool safe for diving?
It deep ends
How much dirt is in a hole that measures 2 feet by 3 feet by 4 feet?
None
What kind of beer can kids drink without getting drunk?
Root beer
How does a cucumber become a pickle?
It goes through a jarring experience.
What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear?
Loafers
How did the black cats end their fight?
They hissed and made up.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie talkie
What do you call a snake wearing a hard hat?
A boa constructor
I sleep during the day and fly at night. I have no feathers to aid my flight. What am I?
A bat
What's E.T. short for?
Because he's only got little legs.
“Discordians reject objective reality and promote subjective relativism. Any group that rejects reality is finished. Discordians live in their own fantasy world, and nothing is more attractive to stupid people than that. Discordians believe in “Chaos”, and this is the wet dream of all idiots since its where reason, logic, knowledge, and understanding are wiped out, thus ensuring that the dunces are no longer at any disadvantage in comparison with smart people.”
-Brother Cato, Illuminism Contra Discordianism
There's just two things keeping me from dancing in that show. What?
My feet
I have no feet, no hands, no wings, but I climb to the sky. What am I?
Smoke
Why did the turkey cross the road?
Because the chicken was on vacation.
The suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.
What do you get when you cross a grocery store clerk with a scientist?
Market research
I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy.
How are false teeth like stars?
They come out at night.
I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!
How do you make a water bed bouncier?
Add spring water
Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
C-minor, E-flat, and G-minor walk into a bar.
The bartender shows them the door and says, “Sorry, we don’t serve minors.”
I am a game that bakers play on their lunch break. What am I?
Tic Tac Dough
What do vampires take for sore throats.
Coffin drops
What does a ghost put in his coffee?
Scream and sugar
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
What vehicle does Bigfoot drive?
A monster truck
I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!
I only lie down once in my life, when I die. What am I?
A tree
An invisible man married and invisable women. The kids were nothing to look at.
I have a head and a tail that will never meet. Having too many of me is always a treat. What am I?
A coin
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
I don't file my nails. I prefer to throw them away.
When things go wrong, what can you always count on?
Your fingers
Why are ghosts terrible liars?
Because you can see right through them.
I can honk without using a horn. What am I?
A goose
What do clouds wear under their shorts?
Thunder pants
Only two percent of all insects are harmful.
Why are they all in my garden?
What did the lettuce say to the celery?
Quit stalking me
What connects two people, but touches only one?
A wedding ring
Why shouldn't you tell secrets in a cornfield?
Becuase there are too many ears
They can be harbored, but few hold water. You can nurse them, but only by holding them against someone else. You can carry them, but not with your arms. You can bury them, but not in the earth. What are They?
Grudges
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself 'well this changes everything'.
What has a neck but no head, two arms, and no hands?
A shirt
How do you get a squirrel to like you?
Act like a complete nut.
What kind of cheese is not yours?
Nacho cheese
Pigs should not drive. They always hog the road.
There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.
I've got an overload of bottomless thought right here in my left fist.
What does a spy do when he is cold?
He goes undercover
Gardening Jokes, Humor, Riddles, Puns, Quips
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727 Riddles, Corny Jokes, Puns, Brain Teasers
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it
When do computers overheat?
When they need to vent
Common sense is like deodorant. How so?
The people who need it most never use it.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's OK, he woke up.
A sign at a music shop:
"Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet."
I get lost every time you stand up. What am I?
Your lap
What is the strongest animal in the sea?
Mussels
Old gardeners do die, and plenty are slowly spading away.
Why do cats make good warriors?
Because they have 9 lives.
The English alphabet goes from A to Z. My name goes from Z to A. What am I?
A zebra
What do you call fake spaghetti?
An im-pasta
How do you tell if a vampire is sick?
Listen to him coffin
What lives in winter, dies in summer, and grows with its root upward?
An icicle
Did you heard about the giant that threw up?
It's all over town!
Instant gratification takes too long.
Who makes it, has no need of it. Who buys it, has not use for it. Who uses it can neither see nor feel it. What is it?
A coffin
What is it that's always coming but never arrives?
Tomorrow.
Brothers and sisters I have none but this man's father is my father's son.
Who is the man?
The man is my son.
There was a green house. Inside the green house there was a white house.
Inside the white house there was a red house. Inside the red house there were
lots of babies. What is it?
A watermelon
In general, be more specific.
Who is the penguins favorite aunt?
Antarctica
What do you get if you cross a dog with a daisy?
A colli-flower
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
Whoever said that money can’t buy happiness, simply didn’t know where to go shopping.
Without geometry life is pointless.
What vegetable do you need a plumber for?
A leek
What insect is musical?
A humbug
What do you call birds who stick together?
Vel-crows
The telephone always rings when your at the far side of the garden.
Today I gave my dead batteries away. Why?
They were free of charge.
What do you call it when one bull spies on another?
A steak out
What is always in front of you but can’t be seen?
The future
What came first: the chicken or the egg?
The egg. Dinosaurs laid eggs long before there were chickens!
I'd tell you a chemistry joke, but don't think I would get a good reaction.
In baseball, how many outs are there in an inning?
Six! Each team has three.
What was a more useful invention than the first telephone?The second telephone
Does a plum tree with no fruit have Buddha Nature? Whack!!
There’s a one-story house in which everything is yellow. Yellow walls, yellow doors, yellow furniture. What color are the stairs?
There aren’t any. It is a one-story house.
I am a game that mama birds play with their baby birds. What am I?
Peek A Boo
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
Supplies
Have you hear about the chocolate record player?
It sounds pretty sweet
Beauty is the Mistress, the gardener Her slave.
Did you hear about the prophet who went into the desert?
He was having a dry spell.
There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!
I remember it like it was yesterday. Of course, I don’t really remember yesterday all that well.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing, it just waved
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What can you keep after giving to someone?
Your word
Knock, Knock! Who's there?
Accordian. Accordian who?
Accordian to my sources it will snow tonight.
When life gives you onions, it stinks.
I run, it runs. I stop, it still runs. What am I?
A watch
What did the mountain climber name his son?
Cliff
I shave every day, but my beard stays the same. What am I?
A barber
What fruit do twins love?
Pears
I avoid highways in winter. I don't like getting the cold shoulder.
How many sides does a circle have?
Two. The inside and the outside.
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I am moving left to right, right now. What am I?
Your eyes
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.
All play and no work makes Jack a dull boy; and a pain in the ass for others.
Why won’t peanut butter tell you a secret?
He’s afraid you’ll spread it.
You see a boat filled with people, yet there isn’t a single person on board. How is that possible?
All the people on the boat are married.
You walk into a room that contains a match, a kerosene lamp, a candle and a fireplace. What would you light first?
The match
What has wheels and flies, but is not an aircraft?
A garbage truck
What did the roof say to the shingle?
This one's on the house.
Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.
My dog sat down on a piece of sandpaper. It was ruff.
My therapist told me that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish what I start. So far, I've finished two bags of M&Ms and a coffee. I feel better already.
Why was the broom late to work?
It over-slept
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
Cole's Law
You cannot come in or go out without me. What am I?
A door
I am hard like stone, but I grow on your body. What am I?
A tooth
I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.
I’m just in it for kicks.
Why are elevator jokes so classic and good?
They work on many levels.
Which state has the most streets?
Rhode Island
How do you fix a broken pumpkin?
With a pumpkin patch
I avoid hanging out with pigs. They're a boar.
Better to wear out than to burn out; rusting away is OK.
Knock Knock. Who’s there?
Lena. Lena who?
Lena a little closer and
I’ll tell you!
Knock Knock. Who's there?
Mikey. Mikey who?
Mikey doesn’t work, can you let me in?
What do you get when you cross a canary and a lawn mower?
Shredded tweet
Why did the Golden Delicious go to jail?
Because he was a rotten apple.
Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Very little is "must do"; much more is "permitted."
I am lighter than a feather. The strongest person cannot hold me for five minutes. What am I?
Your breath
I got help for my ATM addiction; but went through withdrawals firs.
I am something people celebrate or resist. I change people’s thoughts and lives. I am obvious to some people but, to others, I am a mystery. What am I?
Age
If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.
Nobody has ever walked this way. Which way is it?
The Milky Way
727 Riddles, Jokes, Witticisms, Brain Teasers
There are three types of people in the world.
Those who can count and those who can't count.
Jaywalk: To walk like a colorful bird.
If it were not for the sex life of plants, we would have no sex life of our own.
A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke
The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him.
Knock, knock! Who's there?
Frank. Frank who?
Frank you for asking.
Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
I am a multi-tasking procrastinator; I can put off a bunch of stuff all at the same time.
I have reached the age when happy hour is a nap.
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
He couldn't see himself doing it.
I purchased an automatic shovel. It's groundbreaking.
What do you call an unpredictable camera?
A loose Canon
I once read about the dangers of gardening; so I quit reading for two weeks.
Where do rabbits do for breakfast?
I Hop
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.
This sentence contains exactly threee erors.
The spelling of three and errors; and only two errors.
Gardening Jokes, Humor, Riddles, Puns, Quips
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How do mathematicians scold their children?
If I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times.
The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.
I have a little house in which I live all alone. My house has no doors or windows, and if I want to go out I must break through the wall. What am I?
A chicken in an egg.
When life gives you lemons, you are probably also out of sugar.
Happines is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Insanity runs in my family. It actually gallops.
What goes around and around the wood but never goes into the wood?
The bark of a tree.
I follow you all the time and copy your every move, but you can’t touch me or catch me. What am I?
Your shadow
Sometimes narrow, sometimes wide. Wind or rain, I stay outside. Even if there’s heat or snow, from house to house I will still go. What am I?
A path
It’s shorter than the rest, but when you’re satisfied, you bring it up. What is it?
Your thumb
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
What starts with T, ends with T, and has T inside it?
A teapot
Your never too old to embrace a stupid idea.
People are like Potatoes!
Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are content to watch others.
They are called "Speck Tators."
Some are always looking to cause problems, and really get under your skin.
They are called "Aggie Tators."
There are those who are always saying they will, but somehow, they never get around to doing.
We call them "Hezzie Tators."
Some folks spent a lot of time sitting and peering into their garden.
They are called "Medi Tators."
There are those that try to maximize their crop yields while reducing expenses.
We call them "Compu Tators."
What was George Washington's favorite drink?
Liberty
I’m not good at giving advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?
You can drop me from the tallest building and I am well. But, if you drop me in water I will die. What am I?
Paper
Two radios got married. The wedding was OK, but the reception was amazing.
Exploring one's backyard might be more refreshing than a trip to the Big Apple.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet so that if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Reality continues to ruin my life.
How does Darth Vader prefer his toast?
On the dark side
Every time I loose some weight I find it again in the refrigerator.
What is the best way to watch a fishing show?
Live streaming
What do you call it when two small boats fall in love?
A row-mance
What five letter word, typed in all capital letters, can be read the same upside down?
SWIMS
I'm on a 90 Day Wonder Diet. Thus far, I've lost 45 days.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs
What kind of music do plantets like?
Neptunes
What do you call a factory that sells good products?
A satisfactory
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.
In practice there is.
You can obsere a lot by just watching.
It's tough to make predictions, especially about the future.
The desert garden spoke in a sandy dry dialect, and my understanding of it grew slowly.
If the world were perfect, it wouldn't be.
Why do you need a jeweler on December 31st?
To ring in the New Year.
What does the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwide they won't come to yours.
A girl is sitting in a house at night that has no lights on at all. There is no lamp, no candle, nothing. Yet she is reading. How?
The woman is blind, and she is reading Braille.
"A riddle is a statement, question or phrase having a double or veiled meaning, put forth as a puzzle to be solved. Riddles are of two types: enigmas, which are problems generally expressed in metaphorical or allegorical language that require ingenuity and careful thinking for their solution, and conundra, which are questions relying for their effects on punning in either the question or the answer.
Archer Taylor says that "we can probably say that riddling is a universal art" and cites riddles from hundreds of different cultures including Finnish, Hungarian, American Indian, Chinese, Russian, Dutch and Filipino sources amongst many others. Many riddles and riddle-themes are internationally widespread.
Riddles make a point of playing with conceptual boundaries and crossing them for the intellectual pleasure of showing that things are not quite as stable as they seem" Though the point of doing so may still ultimately be to "play with boundaries, but ultimately to affirm them."
Wikipedia, Riddles
If I have it, I don't share it. If I share it, I don't have it. What is it?
A secret
Where do reindeers go for coffee?
Star-bucks
Knee: A device for finding rocks in your garden.
What happens when you witness a ship wreck?
You let it sink in.
What is a New Year's resolution?
Something that goes in one year and out the other.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick
What has many keys but can’t open a single lock?
A piano
I am strong enough to smash ships, but I fear the sun. What am I?
Ice
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Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game?
Their bats flew away.
How is Christmas like your job?
You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit
gets all the credit.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
If love is the answer; then could you rephrase the question.
Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.
I run in and out of town all day and night. What am I?
A road
The claim that there is a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the expected traffic.
At Thanksgiving dinner, which hand should you butter your roll with?
Neither, you should use a knife.
When the Pilgrims landed, where did they stand?
On their feet
You go at red, but stop at green. What am I?
A watermelon
You have me today. Tomorrow you’ll have more. As your time passes, I’m not easy to store. I don’t take up space. I’m only in one place. I am what you saw;, but not what you see. What am I?
Memories
If fish lived on land, where would they live?
In Finland
How does the gingerbread man make his bed?
With cookie sheets
Why did the belt go to jail?
It held up a pair of pants.
Why do birds fly south for the winter?
It is too far to walk.
What do you call someone with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows
Why does a dragon sleep all day?
So it can hunt knights.
How do you clean a dirty tuba?
With a tuba toothpaste
What can run but cannot walk.
A river
What do you call it when worms take over the world?
Global Worming
Why should you never eat a clock?
Because it's too time-consuming.
How do you fix a cracked pumpkin?
With a pumpkin patch
My alone time is for everyone's safety.
What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?
I want you inside me.
What does the dentist of the year get?
A little plaque
There's no "we" in French fries.
Why do ghosts like to ride in elevators?
It lifts their spirits
How can you tell its a dogwood tree?
By its bark
What should a sick bird do?
Get tweetment
I want a job cleaning mirrors.
It's something I can really see myself doing.
Double a number and multiply it by 4. Then divide it by 8 and you will have it once more. What number is it?
Any number
What can you hold in your left hand but not in your right?
Your right elbow
A man got hit in his hand with a can of Coke. Thank goodness it was a soft drink.
Whay can't you trust the King of the Jungle?
Because he is always lion.
How can you turn your left arm into you right arm?
Look in a mirror.
What is black when it’s clean and white when it’s dirty?
A chalkboard
I’m found in socks, scarves and mittens; and often in the paws of playful kittens. What am I?
Yarn
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs stuffed in your mailbox?
Bill
Where does today come before yesterday?
The dictionary
There are two monkeys on a tree and one jumps off. Why does the other monkey jump too?
Monkey see, monkey do.
Have you heard the joke about the bad pole-vaulter?
It never goes over very well.
What invention lets you look right through a wall?
A window
What time is it when an elephant sits on a fence?
Time to fix the fence
Befor you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticism them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
Money can't buy health, but I'd settle for a diamond studded wheelchair.
What is the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?
A jeweler sells watches and a jailer watches cells.
What can go up a chimney down, but can't go down a chimney up?
An umbrella
What kind of bug can tell time?
A clock roach
What can you hold in your right hand, but not in your left hand?
Your left hand
Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, and men are stupid. And the main reason that women are crazy is that men are stupid.
German sausage jokes are just the wurst.
What happens if you eat Christmas decorations?
You get tinselitus
Why was the little boy so cold on Christmas morning?
Because it was Decembrrrr
What part of the chicken has the most feathers?
The outside
What has a bottom at the top?
Your legs
Why did the computer get glasses?
It wanted to improve its website.
When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.
I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.
What did the horse say after it tripped?
Help! I've fallen and I can't giddyup.
How well is your garden growing?
Only thyme will tell.
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?
He did not win the "No-bell" prize.
How far can a girl walk into the park?
Halfway
What washes up on tiny beaches?
Microwaves
Why do bees hum?
Because the don't know the words.
When is a door is no longer a door?
When it is ajar.
What kind of music do mummies perform?
Wrap
Why did Johnny get bad grades after Thanksgiving?
Because everything is marked down after Thanksgiving day.
727 Riddles, Jokes, Witticisms, Brain Teasers
Reader's Digest Joke Collection
Why did Cyclops close his school?
He only had one pupil.
I'd like to go to Hollard someday.
Wooden shoe?
Choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.
By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be the boss and work twelve hours a day.
Where do skunks pray?
In pews
What do ghosts bring to their music lessons?
Sheet music
What kind of weather does a turkey like?
Fowl weather
What room does a house ghost refuse to haunt?
The living room
To you, rude would I never be, though I flag my tongue for all to see. What am I?
A dog
My daughter thinks I don't give her enough privacy. At least that's what she wrote in her diary.
What kind of dog can tell time?
A watchdog
He had a photographic memory, but he never developed it.
Which one of Santa’s reindeer is the fastest?
Dasher
No matter how little or how much you use me, you change me every month. What am I?
A calendar
Of course I talk to myself.
Sometimes I need expert advice.
How many gold coins can a leprechaun throw in an empty pot?
One. After that, it’s no longer empty.
When is an Irish potato not an Irish potato?
When it’s a french fry
Why do he smear peanut on the road?
To go with the traffic jam.
Until I am measured, I am not known. Yet how you miss me, when I have gone. What am I?
Time
My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me.
What can fill up a room but takes up no space?
Light
What was green and a great trick shooter?
Annie Okra
Did you hear about the mediocre restaurant on the moon?
It has great food but no atmosphere.
What is the hardest kind of beans to grow on a farm?
Jelly beans
What do you call a person with a briefcase in a tree?
A branch manager
Your ex. That's the punchline.
Why did the baby cookie cry?
Because its mother was a wafer so long.
Getting the ability to fly would be so uplifting.
Never discuss infinity with a mathematician, they can go on about it forever.
People waste their time pondering whether a glass is half empty or half full. Me, I just drink whatever's in the glass.
Silence is golden; except if you have kids, then silence is suspicious.
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships
What do you call a sad strawberry?
A blue berry
Why are pirates called "pirates"?
They just ARRRR!
Why are locksmiths allowed to remain open on Labor Day?
They are key workers.
Why are zombies free labor?
They don’t need a living wage.
I am red and white. I am moving in circles. What am I?
Santa's clothes inside a washing machine.
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey; but then I turned myself around.
Why is it unnecessary to send a letter to Washington today.
Because he died in 1799.
I am the perfect thing to put into a Christmas pie. What am I?
Teeth
How did a calendar factory worker get fired?
He took a day off on Labor Day.
What do you call an angry beet?
A steamed veggie
Long novels have a tendency to dragon.
Why did the pie go to the dentist?
It needed a filling.
I am a type of fruit that people serve as a Christmas pastry? What am I?
Fruitcake
A balanced diet is chocolate in both hands.
I never forget a face. But in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.
A green jacket covers my arms. Don’t ever steal my Lucky Charms. Who am I?
A leprechaun
I'm terrified of elevators, so I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them.
There is absolutely no excuse for laziness. But, if you find one let me know.
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
Time marches on and eventually you realize it is marching across your face.
What should you do if you catch your dog eating your dictionary?
Take the words right out of his mouth.
Forwards I am heavy, backwards I am not. What am I?
"Ton"
What five letter word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?
"Short"
My brain is giving me the silent treatment today.
Some aquatic mammals at the zoo escaped. It was otter chaos!
What has a neck but has no head?
A guitar
What kind of coat is always wet when you put it one?
A coat of paint
Did you hear about the Labor Day joke?
It doesn’t work for me.
Have you heard the one about the corduroy pillow?
It's making headlines
How many bananas can you eat if your stomach is empty?
Just one; then you stomach is not empty.
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727 Riddles, Brain Teasers, Puns, Corny Jokes
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Reader's Digest Joke Collection
What tastes better than it smells?
Your tongue
Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man’s head.
What is harder to catch the faster you run?
Your breath
What flowers are kissable?
Tulips
What is green, fuzzy, and takes up a room?
A pool table
I’m hidden, but I’m not buried. I hold treasure, but no gems. Leprechauns protect me, but I’m not Lucky Charms. What am I?
A pot of gold
I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.
People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
What is the easiest way to double your money?
Fold it
I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
What has words, but never speaks?
A book
What building has the most stories?
The library
I have an addiction to cheddar cheese;
but its only mild.
The more you take, the more you leave behind. What am I?
Footsteps
Why do managers never go bowling with their employees?
Because they are afraid of them all striking.
Cemetary: An isolated suburban spot where mourners match lies, poets write at a target, and stone-cutters spell for a wager.
I said to my son, “Do you know, most people don’t have to work today, because it’s Labor Day?”
My son said, "Why don't they call it No Labor Day?"
What is the day when most babies are born?
Labor Day
Arguing with a man will get you arrested. Everything you say can and will be used against you.
What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?
Dam
What cruel person would sit on a baby?
A babysitter
Why is the Statue of Liberty standing in the New York harbor?
Because she can't sit down
What is a weighty currency?
A
pound
I can come in many colors, like red, yellow, orange, blue or gree. When you put my head on paper, your drawings or writing can be seen. What am I?
A Pencil
A bridge in a hollow, and many going over it. No blacksmith, mason, or carpenter built it. What am I?
A frozen river
What do you call a can opener that does not work?
A can't opener
What do you get when you combine a rhetorical question and a joke?
Get It?
Why don't they play poker in the Jungle?
Too many cheetahs
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents
What time did the man go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y
What do you call someone with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows
What did the dirt say when it rained?
If this keeps up, my name is mud.
Cerberus: The watch-dog of Hades, whose duty it was to guard the entrance; against whom or what does not clearly appear. Everybody, sooner or later, had to go there, and nobody wanted to carry off the entrance.
Why do cows wear bells?
Becuase their horns don't work.
What did the triangle say to the circle?
You're pointless
No matter how bad things get, remember these sage words: You're old, you sag, get over it.
Age is something that doesn't matter unless you are a cheese.
As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two.
I saw my math teacher with a piece of graphy paper yesterday.
I think he must be plotting something.
If you multiply this number by any other number the answer will always be the same. What number is this?
Zero
A boy fell off a 20-foot ladder but did not get hurt. Why not?
He fell off the bottom step.
What is special about these words: job, polish, herb?
They are mean something different when the first letter is capitalized.
Education: That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.
How can you make pants last?
Make the coats and vests first.
I am an odd number. Take away a letter and I become even. What number am I?
Seven
Who has married many women but was never married?
A priest
What does a man do only once in his lifetime, but women do once a year after they are 29?
Turn 30
I though about all the bad situations I could get myself into. This was driving me crazy. What can I do?
Stop thinking for awhile.
Four cars come to a four way stop, each coming from a different direction. They can't decide who got there first, so they all go forward at the same time. All four cars go, but none crash into each other. How is this possible?
They all made right-hand turns.
I have
a head like a cat and feel like a cat, but I am not a cat. What am I?
A kitten
How do chickens dance at a Halloween party?
Chick to Chick
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones
What should you give your parents at Christmas?
A list of what you want.
How does Moses make his tea?
Hebrews it
What happens when a giant walks through your garden?
All your vegetables turn to squash.
My wife and I laugh about how competive we are.
But, I laugh more.
I just watched a documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam show I ever saw.
I am white, have just one horn, and give out milk. What am I?
A milk truck
What comes all the way to a house but never goes in. What am I?
The steps
I have two legs like a cowboy, two eyes like a cowboy, two hands like a cowboy, look just like a cowbory, but I am not a cowboy. What am I?
A picture of a cowboy.
Never make somebody a priority when all you are to them is an option.
I look just like a half loaf of bread. What am I?
The other half of a loaf of bread.
Handkerchief: A small square of silk or linen, used in various ignoble offices about the face and especially serviceable at funerals to conceal the lack of tears.
I am a breath freshener for scientists? What am I?
Experi-ments
Don't let yesterday use up too much of today.
There is one word that describes people that don't like me: irrelevant.
What did the little toe say to the big toe?
Don't look now, but there's a heel following us.
I protect, I stand tall, I try to frighten all. Who am I?
A scarecrow
Hostility: A peculiarly sharp and specially applied sense of the earth’s overpopulation.
Thow away the outside and cook the inside, then eat the outside and throw away the inside. What is it?
Corn on the cob
To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my word.
I am terrified of elevators. I'm going to take steps to avoid them.
What is at the end of a rainbow.
The letter W
What kind of tree can you carry in your hand?
A palm
What has a face and two hands but no heart or legs?
A clock
What has one voice but goes on four legs in the morning, two in the afternoon, and three in the evening?
A human being
What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?
They're both Paris sites
What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?
Sofishticated
What can fly but has no wings?
A cateepillar
On which side of a hospital does a tree grow?
On the outside
They come out at night without being called, and are lost in the day without being stolen. What are they?
Stars
I ordered a chicken and a eggs online.
I'll let you know what comes first.
Why was Cinderella so bad at soccer?
She kept running away from the ball.
What do lawyers wear to court?
Lawsuits
Wit is the salt of conversation, not the food.
He that would pun would pick a pocket.
Wit has truth in it; wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words.
Wit is a treacherous dart.
What has a bed but never sleeps?
A river
Do you know how many people are dead in that cemetery.
All of them
What is always in front of you, but can't be seen?
The future
What do disposable diapers and preachers have in common?
They both stink and need to be tossed.
I can be cracked, made, told and played. What am I?
A joke
When is the top of a mountain similar to a savings account?
When it peaks one's interest.
What is the worst season of the year for tightrope walkers?
The Fall
Clapping: Repeatedly high-fiving yourself for someone elese's accomplishments.
I love to dance, and twist. I shake my tail as I sail away. I fly wingless into the sky. What am I?
A kite
When you stop to look, you can always see me. But, if you try to touch me, you can never feel me. Although you walk towards me, I remain the same distance from you. What am I?
The horizon
I was interrogated over the theft of a cheese toastie.
Tthey really grilled me.
A communist joke is not funny unless everyone gets it.
Why can’t you hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the pee is silent!
I can't be bought, but I can be stolen with a glance. I'm worthless to one, but priceless to two. What am I?
Love
What is it that no one wants to have, but nobody wants to loose either?
A lawsuit
What contains more feet in the winter than in the summer?
A skating rink
In my hand, I have two coins that are newly minted. Together, they total 30 cents. One isn’t a nickel. What are the coins?
A quarter and a nickel
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
Because, if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out that customers don't appreciate it when I go the extra mile.
You’re escaping a labyrinth and there are three exits. The first exit leads to a hungry wolf. The second exit leads to a fire. The third exit leads to a lion that hasn’t eaten in three years. Which exit do you pick?
If a lion hasn’t eaten in three years, it has starved to death. Choose the third exit.
What kind of running means walking?
Running out of gas
I welcome the day with a show of light, I stealthily came here in the night. I bathe the earthly stuff at dawn, but a noon, alas, I am gone.
The morning dew
I am an orange squash that is baked in a pie. What am I?
A pumpkin
Most people eat me, and that is no surprise. I taste great as chips and also as fries. What am I?
A potato
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.
What can be touched but cannot be seen?
Someone's heart
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the botton
When it is alive we sing, when it is dead we clap our hands. What is It?
A birthday candle
What can go through glass without breaking it?
Light
What is every parent's favorite Christmas carol?
Silent Night
What did the full glass say to the empty glass?
Your drunk
What's a potato's favorite form of transportation?
The gravy train
What has five toes but isn't your foot?
My foot
I have no life, but I can die. What am I?
A battery
I make a loud sound when I am changing. When I do change, I get bigger but weigh less. What am I?
Popcorn
Why should you stand on one leg on New Year's Eve?
To start the new year off on the right foot.
You have me today, tomorrow you will have more. As your time passes, I'm not easy to store. I don't take up space, but I'm only in one place. I am what you saw, but not what you see. What am I?
Memories
I am the favorite sport of gourds and pumpkins. What am I?
Squash
What do you call a cat who drinks lemonade?
A sourpuss
It has keys, but no locks. It has space, but no room. You can enter, but can't go inside. What is it?
A keyboard
It’s like deja vu all over again.
The past, the present and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
No one goes there nowadays, it’s too crowded.
Baseball is 90% mental, and the other half is physical.
A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.
Take off my skin, but I won't cry; but, you will. What am I?
An onion
What bird has no wings?
The Kiwi
What do you call a shoe made from a banana?
A slipper
Want to hear a pizza joke?
Nahhh, it's too cheesy.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.
It's impossible to put down.
What kind of a dot can dance?
A polka dot
A bus driver goes the wrong way down a one way street. He passes the police, but they don't stop him. Why?
He was walking.
Why are snails so slow?
Because they’re carrying a house on their back.
What’s the smartest insect?
A spelling bee
What has no lungs but needs air?
Fire
What did the big flower say to the little flower?
"Hello, Bud."
Study: The act of texting, eating, and watching television with an open textbook nearby.
Why don't egges tell jokes?
They'd crack each other up.
What's the worst part of being an egg?
You only get laid once.
Why can't you trust and atom?
They make up everything.
How does a rancher keep track of his cattle?
With a cow-culator
Why can't you trust an atom?
They make up everying.
Why was the robot so tired after his long road trip?
He had a hard drive.
What has a heart that does not beat?
An artichoke
When is a bulldog most likely to go into a house?
When the door is open.
Who is that with a neck and no head, two arms and no hands? What is it?
A shirt
Why don't sharks eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
I am afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.
My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.
What has ears but cannot hear?
Corn on the cob
Calories: Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little bit tighter each night.
What does a house wear?
A dress
What do you call a new baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.
Eternity: The last two minutes of a basketball game.
What did the left butt cheek say to the right butt cheek?
"You crack me up!"
If an electric train is traveling south, then which was is the smoke blowing?
There is no smoke. It is an electric train.
What is so fragile that saying its name breaks it?
Silence
Why did Robin Hood rob the rich?
Because the poor had no money.
I am not alive, but I grow; I don't have lungs, but I need air; I don't have a mouth, but water kills me. What am I?
Fire
What has ten letters and starts with gas?
An automobile
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Well, I'm not going to spread it.
What key can open any door?
A skeleton key
What flies around all day?
A flag
Only one color, but not one size. Stuck at the bottom, yet easily flies. Present in sun, but not in rain. Doing no harm, and feeling no pain. What is it?
A shadow
What can grow but is not living?
Stalagmites and stalagtites
The more of this there is, the less you see. What is it?
Darkness
Single: A person who makes jokes about women in the kitchen.
Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?
The baa-baa shop
What runs but never gets hot?
A refirgerator
I am the type of music that Pilgrims like the best. What am I?
Plymouth rock
Geology rocks, but geography is where it's at.
A monkey, a squirrel and a bird are racing to the top of a coconut tree. Who will get the banana first?
None of them. A coconut tree does not produce bananas.
Syntax: A tariff on immorality.
I have feathers, a beak, and am dressed. What am I?
A Thanksgiving turkey
What kind of tea is the hardest to swallow?
Reality
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
He didn't have the guts.
What's the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels
Why do bananas never get lonely?
Because they hang out in bunches.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Life is the stuff that happens to you while you're making other plans.
Where was the boy when the lights went out?
In the dark
My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.
If you want to illustrate fall, then my image would be best. I am a horn filled with October's harvest. What am I?
A conucopia
Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.
I quit my job at the helium factory today. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
I make two people out of one. What am I?
A mirror
I used to work for an origami company until it folded.
What's always close but never arrives?
Tomorrow
What color is the wind?
Blew
When is it bad luck to see a black cat?
When you are a mouse.
I had a dream that I was a muffler last night.
I woke up exhausted.
How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?
What has legs but does not walk?
A chair
What bus crossed the ocean?
Columbus
I was going to tell you a time-traveling joke;
but you didn't like it.
I sold my vacuum cleaner yesterday. It was just collecting dust.
Beauty Parlor: A place where women curl up and dye.
I have a body, legs, arms, and ahead; but, I am heartless and have not guts. Who am I?
A skeleton
What did one toilet say to another?
You look flushed
Do you know what stinks about a pirate ship?
The poop deck
Teacher: A person who helps you solve problems you'd never have without them.
Tears: The means by which parental will power is defeated by children's water power.
A man throws a baseball as hard as he can. It comes back to him, even though nothing and nobody touches it. How?
He throws it straight up in the air.
What lights up a soccer stadium?
A soccer match
What does corn say when it gets a compliment?
Aw, shucks!
In empty spaces I twist and talk, and come down with the roar of thunder. What am I?
Lightening
Your dad is so smart, he took one look at you and left.
I am so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed.
Why is a traffic cop the strongest man in the world?
Because he can hold up a ten ton truck with one hand.
Did you hear the one about the roof?
Never mind, it's over your head.
What is the difference between a poorly dressend man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire
I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on my computer.
If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears, my illegal logging business is a success.
I alway leave a trace, so you can seen where I live. I have extra legs. I some people screan. What am I?
A spider
What is always in front of you?
Your nose
Why did the robber jump into the shower?
He wanted to make a clean getaway.
Where does a dog go when he loses his tail?
A retail store
Poor: When you have too much of month at the end of your money.
The rotation of the earth really makes my day.
How can you physically stand behind your father while he is standing behind you?
You and your father are standing back to back.
What's worse than a lobster on your piano?
Crabs on you organ.
Coma: A punctuation mark of consciousness.
RIP: Boiling water. You will be mist.
For every new foolproof invention there is a new and improved fool.
What is the last thing you do before you go to sleep?
Close your eyes.
Knock, knock. Who's there?
Wooden shoe. Wooden shoe who?
Wodden shoe like to hear another joke?
Why won't the shrimp share its treasure?
Beacause it's shellfish
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"A wonderful warrior exists on earth.
Two dumb creatures make him grow bright between them.
Enemies use him against one another.
His strength is fierce but a woman can tame him.
He will meekly serve both men and women
If they know the trick of looking after him
And feeding him properly.
He makes people happy.
He makes their lives better.
But if they let him grow proud.
This ungrateful friend soon turns against them."
Who am I?
Fire
Smile: A curve that can set many things straight.
If 50 birds were sitting on a telegraph wire and you shot one, how many would be left?
None. All the others would fly away.
Here's something to think about. How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
I'd tell you the joke about perforated paper, but it's tear-able.
You mean you need drugs to hallucinate?
Cauterize: Made eye contact with her.
Want to know how you make any salad into a Ceasar salad?
Stab it 23 times.
Why do panckes always win at baseball?
They have the best batter.
A set of golf clubs walks into a bar. "What'll you have"?
"Nothing for me, I'm the driver."
Group Project: Time when you relax and let someone who really cares do all the work.
Why can't you trust duck doctors.
Because, they are all quacks.
I'm tall when I'm young and I'm short when I'm old. What am I?
A pencil or a candle
Who always goes to sleep with his shoes on?
A horse
How do you stop a bull from charging?
You cancel his credit card.
I need someone real bad. Are you real bad?
I want to be cremated as it is my last hope for a smoking hot body.
She disliked facial hair; but its starting to grow on her anyway.
Of course it's a stupid idea. Some of our best plans started with stupid ideas.
I used to own a taser.
It was stunning.
What happens when doctors get mad?
They loose their patients.
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
Why did the ghost go to rehab?
He was addicted to boos.
Why did the chicken go to the seance?
To get to the other side.
What do you get when you cross a canary and a lawn mower?
Shredded tweet
Mary is outside a shop. She can't read the signs. She knows she needs to go inside to make a purchase. What store is she at?
The eyeglass store
What do you get if you put a mother duck and five duckling into a box?
A box of quackers
Why do some couples go to the gym?
Because they want their relationship to work out.
Park: Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning "a place with a swing set and slide".
If infinite rednecks fired infinite shotguns at an infinite number of road signs, they'd eventually create all the great literary works of the world in braille.
Synonym: A word used in place of one you can't spell.
If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.
How does NASA organize a space party?
They planet
I just read that somebody in Chicago gets stabbed every 5 minutes. Poor guy.
What kind of music do windmills like?
They're heavy metal fans
Finite players play within boundaries; infinite players play with boundaries.
Pain is nature's way of telling you that you're stupid.
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
Poor guy really needed some space.
Why do cows have hooves?
Because they lactose
What's the No. 1 cause of divorce?
Marriage
What has one foot on each side and one in the middle?
A yardstick
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.
I had a date last night and it was perfect. Tomorrow, I'll have a fig.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
If they flew over the bay they would be bagels.
Twas Brillig, and the slithey toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe; all mimsy were the borogoves, and the mome raths outgrabe.
Why did the Golden Delicious go to jail?
Because he was a rotten apple.
Stalemate: A leading cause of divorce.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
If you promise not to think in my mouth, I'll blow your mind.
A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him underwater for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry.
What can a child make but not see?
Noise
Why did the pharmacist walk on her toes?
She didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills.
He is a barbarian, and believes that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
Feet: A device for finding shoes in the dark.
What has 100 legs and no feet?
50 pairs of pants
Blonde jokes: Jokes short enought so that a man can understand.
After all, we only go around once. There's really no time to be afraid.
I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.
What's long and hard and full of seamen?
A submarine
I am higher without a head. What am I?
A pillow
What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes?
Sneakers
What's the capital of France?
The letter "F." Its the only capital letter in France.
What has five fingers but is not alive.
A glove
What do you answer even though it never asks you questions?
A doorbell or a phone
Like any terrorist, some of his grievances are sound: it's his methods that are unacceptable.
What word describes a woman who does not have all her fingers on one hand?
Typical. She would not be so if she had 10 fingers on one hand.
Let's play carpenter! First, we'll get hammered, then I'll nail you.
Ignorance can be cured. Stupid is forever.
What is the easist way to catch a fish?
Have someone throw one to you.
It's not that life is too short, it's that death is too long.
What do you get if you cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.
What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave?
"Thanks for coming."
6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down.
Politican: Someone who shakes your hand before an election, and your confidence after it.
Compromise: The art of slicing a cake in such a way that everyone believes they received the biggest piece.
Why don't vampires have any friends?
Because they are a pain in the neck.
Why do mummiers like Christmas so much?
Because of all the wrapping
Good decisions are just bad decisions you didn't get to make.
I know that they say that money talks.
All my money says is "goodbye."
Why wouldn't the Christmas tree stand up?
It had no legs.
Why should you take a ruler to bed?
To see how long you slept.
I lost my mood ring and I don't know how to feel about it!
You do not watch the clock. The clock watches you.
Time is a spiral, space is a curve, I know you get dizzy but try not to lose your nerve.
Why does it take 2 million sperm to fetilize one egg?
Because they won't ask for directions.
Why would you never use "beef stew" as a password?
It's not stronganoff
How is playing bridge similar to sex?
If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
A man is holding exactly $5.25 but has only one coin. How is this possible?
He has a quarter and a $5 bill.
Did you hear the one about the three watering holes in the ground?
Well, well, well...
What do you call a beehive without an exit?
Unbelievable
Why didn't Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer get a good report card?
Because, he went down in history.
The quickest way to a man's heart is through his ribcage.
I am a cross between a computer and a dairy product. What am I?
Mac and cheese
Could God make an argument so circular even he couldn't believe it?
Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.
Why did the skeleton not go to the party?
Because he had no body to go with.
Why did the baby pig eat so much?
To make a hog out of himself.
Vegetarian: Latin phrase, originally meaning "really bad hunter."
Why won't swords ever become obsolete?
They're cutting edge technology.
A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage. Sadly, he lost his case.
I can wave my hands at you, but I never say goodbye. You are always cool when with me, even more so when I am on high. What am I?
A fan
Doctor: A person who kills your ills with pills, then kills you with bills.
What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we don't get some support, people will think we are nuts.
The man who invented the water gun was all wet.
If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.
When are cooks mean?
When they beat the eggs and whip the cream.
What gun is the least dangerous?
A water gun
Sometimes I shine, sometimes I’m dull, sometimes I am big, and sometimes I am small. I can be pointy, I can be curved, and don’t ask me questions because even though I’m sharp, I’m not smart enough to answer you. What am I?
A knife
Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.
Transcendental: Above the teeth.
Which school subject was the witch's favorite?
Spelling
If a parsley farmer get sued, can they garnish his wages?
What do you get when you cross Labor Day with a potato?
A day to rest and hash out your problems.
Two people were playing chess. They both won. How is this possible?
They were playing two different games, against other opponents.
We'll stay out of his church if he stays out of our bedrooms.
I didn't claw my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables!
Cosmetic surgery used to be taboo, but now when you talk about Botox no one raises an eyebrow.
Evening News is where they begin with "Good Evening."
Then they proceed to tell you why it isn't so.
What do giraffes have that no other animal has?
Baby giraffes
What is the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
The taste
Why did the carpenter take time off on Halloween?
He needed to hammer out his winter vacation plans.
How do you get in touch with a Roman architect?
You column
Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Why was the ghost so tired?
Because he worked the graveyard shift.
Guard your honor. Let your reputation fall where it will. And outlive the bastards.
What do you call a sad cup of coffee?
Depresso
What was Forrest Gump’s email password?
1forrest1
How did the tomato court the corn?
He whispered sweet nothings into her ear.
Gardening Jokes, Humor, Riddles, Puns, Quips
Pulling Onions: Over 1,000 Maxims, Quips, One-Liners
727 Riddles, Bad Jokes, Brain Teasers, Puzzles
It is raining at midnight. The forecast for tomorrow and the next day is for clear weather. Will there be sunny weather in 48 hours?
No. I will not be sunny because it will be dark out. In 48 hours it will be midnight again.
What is the difference between hungry and horny?
Where you stick the cucumber.
What has 18 legs and catches flies?
A baseball team
Duct tape is like The Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it binds the universe together.
There are two types of people in this world. And I don't like them.
I have hundreds of wheels, but move I do not. Call me what I am; call me a lot. What am I?
A parking lot.
How does a bee get to school?
On a buzz!
What do cows most like to read?
Cattle-logs
What did the blanket say when it fell of the bed?
Oh Sheeet!
Name three consequtive days without naming any of the days of the week?
Yesterday, today, tomorrow
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate your fruit jokes you need to let that mango.
What do you call two birds in love?
Tweethearts
Why did the tomato blush?
It saw the salad dressing.
Why did the police arrest Donald Duck?
They suspected foul play.
Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life? Because if you eat that stuff you will eat anything.
I'll admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lives 45 miles away.
If you put a vest and coat and gun on an alligator, what do you get?
An investigator
I work at a job I took for survival. And now I wish I was dead.
How do you keep a skunk from smelling?
Hold its nose.
What is a Knight's favorite dish?
Swordfish
What do you call it when a group of apes starts a company?
Monkey business
What did Winnie the Pooh say to his agent?
Show me the honey!
What grows up as it grows down?
A goose grows down feathers.
There are 3 apples in the basket and you take away 2. How many apples do you have now?
You have 2 apples. You took away 2 apples and left 1 in the basket.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
God doesn't play dice. He's more of a bridge game guy.
They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 20 minutes.
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places.
He told me to stop going to those places.
To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing.
The book joined the police force. Why?
It wanted to go undercover.
81 x 9 = 801. What do you need to do to make this equation true?
Turn it upside down: 108 = 6 x 18.
Why does a duck have tail feathers?
To cover its Butt-Quack
Why was 6 afraid of what came next.
Because, 7 8 9!
Why does a giraffe eat so little?
Because a little goes a long way.
"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.
A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the damned things is ample.
What four letter word can be written forward, backward or upside down, and can still be read from left to right?
Noon
What kind of dogs love car racing?
Lap dogs
What kind of noise does a witch's vehicle make?
Brrrrooom, brrroooom
What did one hat say to the other hat?
You stay here. I'll go on ahead.
I am believed to be one-dimensional, and tinier than anything can be. Many say I’m the basis of all that we see. What am I?
A string
Time is a plaything for children and fools.
What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?
Prime mates
Why did the ball leave the party early?
He was on a roll.
You are really pushing my buttons today, he said.
Which one is mute, she said.
I think you'll find everybody loves a loser. You'll be fine, you won't be lonely long.
It's great to eat under an open sky, even if it is polluted.
My girlfriend keeps accusing me of cheating. She's starting to sound like my wife.
Why did the fly never land on the computer?
He was afraid of the world wide web.
What is a three letter word for a mousetrap?
Cat
Break it and it gets better; set it and it’s harder to break.
What is it?
A Guiness World Record
Compiled by Michael P. Garofalo
Michael Peter Garofalo (1945-) grew up in East Los Angeles, was educated in Catholic Schools, graduated (B.A., M.S.) from local universities, married Karen, served in the US Air Force, worked in and managed many City and Los Angeles County Public Libraries, raised two children (Alicia and Michael), socialized, traveled, and learned. In 1998, we moved to a
rural 5 acre property in Red Bluff, in the North Sacramento Valley, CA. A webmaster since 1999. Worked part-time
for the Corning School District (Technology and Media Services Manager); and as a Yoga, Taijiquan, and fitness
club instructor until 2016. Traveled extensively in Northern California, Oregon, and Washington. We both tended large gardens, planted an orchard, and created unique landscaping projects. We both retired, and we moved to Vancouver, Washington, in 2017. Currently in 2023: reading, doing Taoist, Buddhist, and Zen research, walking, writing, web publishing, monthly oceanside yurt camping retreats, gardening, harmonica playing, history reading, family events, poetry research, sports events, playing Tai Chi Chuan, Yoga, and Qigong, compiling, and photography.
Cloud Hands Blog by Michael P. Garofalo
727 Riddles, Corny Jokes, Brain Teasers, Witticisms
Compiled by Michael P. Garofalo
First Version in the Spirit of Gardening, Garden Humor and Riddles, and Cliches, published on the Internet on February 1, 2000.
23rd Version published on the Internet on July 3, 2023.
765 Quotations as of 1/1/2024
Last updated, revised, expanded, reformatted, improved, or changed on January 1, 2024.
Green Way Research
Subject Index to Hypertext Documents
Vancouver, Washington
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